Cattlemen's (Long Island)

Cattlemen's overall score: 54

 

Alright this is a low-rung steakhouse, but I figured I would write it up because it has been a while since my last review.  During that time I have made business cards to drop at check paying time, so that waitresses, chefs and owners can take a look at the blog and read my review for themselves.  You may also be wondering why I am reviewing so many Long Island steakhouses and neglecting the NYC standards.  The answer is that I have found a half-off coupon website through a Long Island radio station, and, well, why not?  Blackwell's and Mac's are on the list as well.  This place was close to home, and doable on a weeknight after a shit-bag commute on the shit-bag LIRR.

 

1) Flavor: 5

Flavor is kinda run of the mill here.  I can make a better steak at home, but then again I am a pretty damned good cook.  Seasoning was good, and I ate the whole thing, but it just wasn't where it should be, especially if the establishment calls itself a steakhouse.  They do offer original, house seasoned and marinated preparations, which is good to do in places that don't have prime cuts.  I had the double cut (14oz - lame and small for being a "double cut") ribeye with house seasonings.

2) Choice of Cuts & Quality available: 6

Props to Cattlemen's here, especially for a cheap-o place.  They have all four basic steak cuts, along with a few sizes of each.  Negatives: the double cut ribeye was a sad, pathetic, less-than-an-inch-thick 14oz cut, and it was boneless.  Positives: they also do a skirt steak, T-bone (but why bother when the porterhouse is only $5 more?) and prime rib.  The cuts are all choice grade, which is fine, but they are on the skimpy side.  They DO have an 88oz ribeye steak challenge.  Ahhhh John Candy.  I will miss you.  They have other challenges too - like a 5lb burger, and 10 insane hot wings in ten minutes.  Interesting.  Where's Adam Richman?

 

3) Portion Size & Plating: 5

Portion sizes ranged from small to average.  As I mentioned above, the double cut ribeye was a sad, thin, boneless 14oz slice.  It may have been better utilized sliced up and in sandwich form, with some spicy horseradish sauce and melted swiss.  I'd hate to find out the size of a single cut steak at this joint.  Plating is on par with Fridays - nothing fancy.

 

4) Price: 7

We came here to use a $35 gift certificate that we purchased online for $15.  So right off the bat, my price rating is biased and skewed.  However, two meals totalled $60 - including drinks and apps (drinks were cheap!).  That's right - our bill was $25, for all you math whizzes.  We spent a total of $40 when you take the $15 we spent on the gift certificate into consideration.  They even knocked off the appetizer for us since we waited a while and they messed up a side order.  Down side: "shit you pay, shit you get," as my dad always says.  The price is low because the quality is low.  You do get full, however, because you get a bunch of crap for your money.

 

5) Bar: 5

I can't picture myself hanging out at the bar other than when waiting for a seat (which we did).  It is a basic square bar with a jukebox and regular, standard beers on tap and bottles behind the bar.  They do offer a house microbrew called Cattlemen's something-or-other, but the bartender said it is a light beer.  Overall this is the kind of place to drink a beer - not martinis or manhattans.  Prices are good though.

6) Specials and Other Meats: 6

Cattlemen's suffers from a slight lack of identity.  They offer ribs, pulled pork, lamb chops, chicken, etc.  They are a western-themed eatery, so maybe that is how it is done out west, but when I see "steakhouse" in the name I expect more chops and cuts rather than BBQ, among other things.  Don't get me wrong - I love BBQ - but the softest meat I want at a steakhouse is MAYBE a braised short rib or some prime rib (for chicks).  They had some specials but no other steaks or chops than what is on the regular menu.

 

7) Apps, Sides & Desserts: 5

To start we had the rattlesnake bites: minced shrimp and bacon with some bell peppers and cheese fried into shrimp-shaped discs.  They were kinda heavy, but the chipotle mayo dip was nice.  My wife had a house salad with "cusabi" dressing (cucumber + wasabi), which I thought was a really awesome dressing, despite being added to a bagged-lettuce quality salad (not a problem for a guy like me, but ladies like a fancy salad sometimes).  For sides we ordered creamed spinach (creamy but may have been frozen), smoke pit home fries (sweet and heavy, with onions and bell peppers), fried onion strings (good), and sauteed mushrooms.  The 'shrooms came late because they gave us a mashed potato dish with gravy by mistake, but both were just okay - par at best.  We skipped dessert since we weren't that hungry and the food wasn't wow-ing us.  The good: you get two sides with your meal, and the portions are sized just right.

 

8) Seafood Selection: 4

They have a good amount of seafood selections - broiled salmon, tortilla crusted tilapia, several "gulf shrimp" preparations, and lobster tails - but we didn't really like what we had.  My wife had the combo with shrimp scampi, tortilla crusted tilapia and a lobster tail.  The lobster tail was the only thing worth eating; it was cooked properly, and was sweet and juicy.  The tilapia was soggy - not crispy as you would expect with a tortilla crusting.  The shrimp scampi was rubbery, but at least not overcooked: a tell-tale sign of frozen items.  Seafood was sub par all around despite the selections looking good on the menu.

9) Service: 5

The service was weird.  First, we were told there was a 15 minute wait.  I found that odd for a Thursday on Long Island.  The dining room was maybe half-full at best, and they seemed to have enough waitresses.  My only guess was an under-staffed kitchen.  So be it.  We had a drink at the bar and hung out.  Other noteworthy issues: they brought us mashed potato instead of the sauteed mushrooms we ordered.  No problem though, because they brought us the correct item when we told them.  Later, however, it took a long time to get the check after asking for it.  Maybe the gift certificate or the transfer of our drinks from bar tab to table check caused problems?  Not sure.  Staff seemed nice though.

10) Ambiance: 6

The western theme didn't really seem corny until after we sat down and got our food.  It doesn't FEEL western in there.  There are some wanted posters on the wall and some longhorns over the fireplace but that doesn't transport the customer to the west.  Especially when you are situated along Montauk Highway and the side windows open up to a nice outdoor area along a wide canal that leads to the Great South Bay.  I think they should refocus their theme to something more like an ocean grill, and re-tool the menu.  Make it smaller, offer better quality items, etc.  The feeling you get when you look over the canal is nice, so they should work that into their theme and take advantage.  Salt water + wild west does not compute.  Weird thing: at 8:30 the jukebox kicked on and the lights abruptly shut down in the dining room, but then went back on at 8:32. Then the lights went back off at 8:35.  Whatever.