NEW ADDRESS

Loyal Meat Minions:

The day has finally come. It is with great joy and absolutely no regret that I now say goodbye to blogspot and all of its severely limiting features and annoying quirks. The one and only carnivore connoisseur is moving to a REAL website. Ladies and bastards, I now point you to the illustrious www.johnnyprimesteaks.com address for all your steakhouse review and meat information needs.  

So keep it sizzling, you grizzled old pricks, and I'll see you on the other side of awesome.

Yours in Beef,

Johnny Prime, CC

The Wagyu and Kobe Scam

Check out this informative expose on the US beef and restaurant industry's misuse of the terms Kobe and Wagyu. It is a 4 part series that dives deep, and dovetails with some similar frustrations I expressed after dining at Sparks. Bottom line: if you see Kobe or Wagyu on a menu in the USA, know that it is meaningless and likely an imitation (though still quite possibly a delicious piece of meat), because the US does not import beef from Japan. Thanks to Dennis for sharing. I personally have seen and one time ordered "Kobe style" or "Australian Wagyu" items on menus at some of these places. I think the place I ordered something was Capital Grille: a "Wagyu carpaccio" app.

PART 1
PART 2
PART 3
PART 4

Sparks

Sparks overall score: 69

This review is based on my third or fourth trip to Sparks. I've been here a bunch, but not since I started reviewing steakhouses. See below for the verdict. In 2001 the NY Post called this place the greatest steakhouse in Manhattan. I disagree, vehemently. See below:

1) Flavor: 6

I had the "prime sirloin" on the recommendation of the waiter; their "signature steak." I asked for medium rare, but what I received was a jumble of medium rare, rare and flat out RAW.  I had to ask the guy to re-fire it as I got into the center of the cut, and even then it was under cooked when it came back - still raw and rare in parts. My buddy ordered his filet medium, and his too came back mostly medium rare, rare and RAW. This is unacceptable. The filet bite that I did have was good, however.  My "prime sirloin" was good around the edges, where it was cooked, but otherwise the inside had all the tell-tale signs of NOT being a strip; so I was lied to. Sirloin is NOT strip. There was stringy, uncooked white ribbons of connective tissue, some chewy, dense areas, and lots of undercooked portions. If you are dead set on eating here, do yourself a favor and stick to the somewhat safe filet, and order it a step or two past what you normally like in terms of doneness.

2) Choice of Cuts & Quality available: 5

Another steakhouse without a ribeye on the menu; but no porterhouse here either!?!!?? What the fuck is going on? This "lacking certain basic cuts" trend needs to stop, otherwise JP will become very pissed. I could swear I had a ribeye here in the past... but maybe not. Sparks has all aged prime beef, but I think they may be using lesser cuts - in other words - they offer a prime aged sirloin instead of a real strip that is cut from a porterhouse. Or they use the "strip" side of a lesser quality t-bone (not a porterhouse). I saw shell steak on the menu here masquerading as a real cut of beef. Are you fucking serious? I don't care if it is prime shell steak; it's still a fucking piece of trash shell steak and not one of the four main cuts! I know places that serve CHOICE beef that scored higher, because they prepare them correctly and they actually ARE real steakhouse cuts like porterhouse, strip and ribeye. Is Sparks freaking joking with this? I suspected other places of doing it as well, and gave the benefit of the doubt, but I am not letting is slide anymore. Nope. They say " aged prime sirloin" instead of strip. A strip isn't even from the same area as a sirloin in the anatomy of a cow! Go get some porterhouses, some real strips, and some fucking ribeyes for fuck's sake! Like I said, EVEN IF THEY ARE CHOICE it is better! These people are acting like "prime beef" is the same as kobe or some shit. I can understand a kobe t-bone, or a kobe sirloin, or a kobe shell steak on a menu. Doing this is good because it is offering really great meat from a lesser cut so that the non-wealthy masses can try what really amazing meat tastes like. Kobe is special, so offering a lesser cut is a great idea (otherwise something like a kobe ribeye would be around $50-$100 an ounce). Listen - anyone can age a choice cut of meat to taste like prime in their garage or basement; but prime is not that big of a deal! I hope people understand what I am saying in this really long rant here, because this is a really dubious, evil, manipulative trend that is happening at very pricey steakhouses. Unless you know beef like I do, you might not comprehend what is happening (see my steak basics and cuts blog posts from way back for a refresher). Anyway... Sparks also does a lot of "sliced steaks" on their menu. No good. Keep it simple, and keep it whole. I'm a big boy. I can cut my own meat.

3) Portion Size & Plating: 8

Sizes here are good - you will be full if you can eat your cut of beef, assuming they cook it properly when you go. I left about 4 ounces of beef on my plate because it was raw, even after the second firing of my steak.

4) Price: 7

The price is good for NYC at $40 to $47 for the steaks, but the trade off is you are getting lesser quality meat cuts. We had a bloomspot deal that cost $115 for $200 worth of food and drinks (excluding tax/tip), so that helped a lot. Otherwise I wouldn't go here again on a dare. We were out of pocket $235, but it was really a $320 meal. For that price it should have been perfect, and they didn't know we were using a coupon/gift certificate until after we ate dessert.

5) Bar: 7

The bar at Sparks is okay. I prefer the bar at Keens; it has a similar look, though here it is tucked away from the windows and in the center of the restaurant. The martini was made perfectly. Down side - they don't offer beer on tap, and the beer they did have in bottles was slightly skunked.

6) Specials and Other Meats: 6

On special Sparks had NOTHING. For alternative meat selection they had veal and lamb. NO CHICKEN - I love it. Ballsy. But they should consider adding some real steaks to their menu, instead of shell and sirloin, even if they have to charge $10 more for each.

7) Apps, Sides & Desserts: 7

When I came here in the past, the lump crab meat cocktail had bits of flaky shells in it, twice (original order and replacement order). The same was true this time around. The hash browns were very small in size for $9, though they were good. The creamed spinach ABSOLUTELY SUCKED. It was watery, not creamy, unseasoned, had a horrible texture, and just all around tasted like dog shit (because we all know what that tastes like, right?). The Caesar salad was delicious and a great size to share for two. The oysters ($3 each) were creamy, fresh and delicious. The best part of the meal though, besides getting up and leaving, was the pecan walnut pie for dessert. VERY good.

8) Seafood Selection: 10

Sparks has a ton of seafood to choose from. On the menu there is sole, seabass, red snapper, and shrimp for entrees, but they also have a smattering of items featured at the top of the menu for some reason as well. These include halibut, salmon, tuna, swordfish, trout, lobster (3 size/price categories, up to 5.5lbs - $90), crab, and scallops. Perhaps Sparks should change their name to "Sparks Fish House" instead of "Sparks Steakhouse," because there is way more REAL CUTS to choose from in the seafood department than the meat department. Oh well. As far as apps go, they have all the shellfish basics, and as I said above, the oysters were legit.

9) Service: 6

The waiter was nice and attentive, but no one wished me happy birthday (as mentioned on the reservation note), and he also flat out lied to me about the "prime sirloin" being the same as a strip steak. I call bullshit. Sorry buddy. You were nice, but when we drop $235 on a meal, I expect to be treated with honesty and served good food that I will remember for days to come. The table bread was hot and crispy, but the butter was cold. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things in this meal.

10) Ambiance: 7

Sparks is known for its infamous mafia hit, which occurred right outside the restaurant... and it is decorated with the expected mafioso look. Dark musty interior, gaudy patterned rugs, wide open dining space. It could almost be in Little Italy if it weren't for its immense size. It is nice and traditional inside, with all the waiters being male and wearing white tops with ties of some kind.

Bobby Van's (Bridgehampton)

Bobby Van's overall score: 84

A trip to Bobby Van's was a long time in the making. It has been on my never-ending short list for quite some time. I went with my family in a group of 6 to the Bridgehampton location on a Saturday. Check it out assholes:

1) Flavor: 8

I had the porterhouse since they didn't have a ribeye on the menu (WTF???!?). It was good!  The waiter suggested that the two of us ordering it go with a porterhouse for two rather than two single steaks because the cut would be thicker. It was nicely cooked, even throughout, a good char on the outside with a nice buttery flavor. They probably could have seasoned it a bit more, but otherwise it was a good meal. One negative is in the preparation. Like many steakhouses serving the porterhouse, they pre-slice the meat and serve it on a hot plate. It's nice for sharing that way, but there was a pool of oil, butter and juices at the bottom of the plate. When you cut meat while still hot, you can dry it out. At the same time, after you cut it, the meat sits in a pool of liquids and makes the bottom of the steak sog the fuck up, which just got a nice char in the broiler or on the grill. So while the meat becomes dry in the central parts, it also gets soggy and ruins the char on one side. I've griped about the way porterhouses are ruined many times. Next time that there isn't a ribeye on the menu, I might just have to stick with a strip or filet on their own, since porterhouses are inevitably destroyed on a regular basis at steakhouses. The server here at least had the sense to tip the plate up so that the juices didn't soak the char and make the bottom of the steak soggy. Side note - it is sort of a world of difference to go from ribeye to porterhouse, in terms of flavor. The ribeye just packs so much more of a punch. It's a shame they don't offer one regularly. I know they have them on special on occasion though (lollipop steak). I also had a taste of the lamb, which was very nice as well.

 

2) Choice of Cuts & Quality available: 7

One thing I noticed right away when checking the menu online was that they didn't offer a ribeye (as I annoyingly mentioned several times above). That means instant points come off. Three to be exact. Not only is it my personal favorite cut, but it is THE steak. Keen's commits this treachery too, but they make up one point with all the other kinds of meats they have (the amazing mutton). Aside from that issue, Bobby Van's is good. They have all three of the other mainstay cuts (filet, porterhouse, and strip), and everything is top quality.

 

3) Portion Size & Plating: 8

Sizes here are pretty good. The lamb chops were a healthy size, and the porterhouse was about 40oz for two people. At $45 per cut, this isn't too bad at all. My brother had a filet, and it looked around 12 or 14oz, which is on the upper end of the range. The apps and sides were all generous, as well as the desserts. The baked potato, for example, can feed a small village... for a week.

 

4) Price: 8

The price is about right for Long Island steakhouses. All the cuts are $45. All the sides are $9. The bill for 6 people came to $565. With tips included it was about $110 a head. Not too bad, especially when you take into account that the portion sizes were all large.

5) Bar: 9

The bar is nice and big, and attracts a good crowd. The restaurant is located on a nice little strip of town, and it just so happened that we were there for the Kentucky Derby, so the place was packed out with people wearing fancy hats and cheering for the horses. My sister said the place is packed all the time. I can see why - it seems like a fun place to hang. 

6) Specials and Other Meats: 9

Bobby Van's had a ton of stuff on special. I would have loved to see some more beef items on special, like a flank or a skirt (... or a FUCKING RIBEYE!), so I took one point for that. By way of other meats, they have lamb, veal and chicken. A good array of butchery. On special was a pork chop as well, along with several salad, app and fish options. My sister had a duck confit pasta dish, which was awesome. This is a regular menu item, but it is so good and full of meat that I put it here.

7) Apps, Sides & Desserts: 8

I had smoked salmon for my appetizer. It was a big portion, and it came with several slices of goat cheese and caramelized onions. My wife had the pear and arugula salad, which was on special. The walnuts in the salad were amazing. Honey roasted, crunchy, and delicious. One noteworthy item was my sisters calamari app - I assumed it was a fried item when I saw it on the chalkboard, but it was grilled perfectly, sliced up, and served in a nice asian slaw. For sides we had a baked potato (freaking HUGE - almost as big as our porterhouse), french fries (skinny, nicely seasoned), and creamed spinach (not overly dairy, seasoned to a nice savory goodness, and just the right amount of liquidity for slathering on a bite of steak). For dessert I tried a bite of my sister in-law's chocolate cake, and lots of my wife's delicious mango sorbet.

 

8) Seafood Selection: 10

There is a healthy amount of seafood on the menu. Appetizers consist of clams and oysters (both cooked and uncooked), mussels, crab cake, lobster, shrimp, fish tacos, and smoked salmon. For entrees they have a rare tuna dish, hamachi, grilled salmon, black sea bass, and a whole pan seared fluke. Note that seafood entrees, at a steakhouse, are for pussies and women. Perhaps they chose to put fluke on the menu instead of a ribeye because they want to attract wimps to the restaurant instead of real men. In any event, they all looked and sounded delicious. My wife has some dietary restrictions, so she went with the hamachi instead of meat. I tried a few bites and it was delicious. Crispy seared edges, a little rare on the inside - perfect. It is such a nice fish. On special they had soft shell crabs and wreck fish as well.

9) Service: 8

The waiter was a little difficult to understand, but that might have been due in part to having a seat closer to the end of the bar. There was nothing wrong with the service at all - it was average. On the plus column he did suggest we do a steak for two rather than two steaks for one, so that we got a thicker cut of beef. On the table there was warm bread and semi-soft butter waiting for our ravenous appetites to devour before the meal, with a little plate of olive oil to go with.

10) Ambiance: 9

When we first were seated, the temperature seemed a little aggressive and hot. As the meal went on it cooled down, which was good. The wicker/bamboo seats were a little narrow and uncomfortable for my fat ass, but the decor was classy and worthy of fine steakhouses. Dark wood floors, dark wood-paneled bar area, nice paintings of east end stuff and horses, etc.