Old Homestead

Old Homestead overall score: 79

My wife, who is awesome, took me here for a birthday lunch after shooting some 22 rifle rounds at the pistol range. Talk about a guy's perfect day!  I thought it would be difficult to review a steakhouse based on the lunch menu, but Old Homestead basically offers the same food for lunch that they offer for dinner, the only difference being that the lunch menu is a little bit cheaper (by $2, generally, for each item) and they don't offer some of the more massive steak cuts at lunch time (Shame - I probably would have gotten the larger cut too - oh well - their loss).

1) Flavor: 9 

The steak tasted great. I ordered the gotham ribeye, a bone-in 22oz cut that tasted like a prime rib that kissed the grill.  It was juicy like a roast, and had a little crisp going (more would have been nice). Great taste but one point off for missing the mark with not enough crisp and a bit more non-chewable grizzle than I like to see. They let it rest just the right amount of time, so there was no blood loss and it stayed very juicy.

2) Choice of Cuts & Quality available: 8

This place has lots of sizes and cuts available for the four main steaks. I think I counted 5 filet mignon items of varying preparations, sizes and bone structures. Two sizes for the ribeye (not at lunch, however), and a prime rib to boot (essentially, a slow roasted ribeye). They offer two sizes of "New York Sirloin" as well as an au poivre and a top round - not quite sure why they were calling some steaks a sirloin and not a strip. Perhaps it is from the T-bone (the lesser porterhouse, not good enough to be called a strip when cut off the bone). They also offer a kobe sirloin for a big price upgrade. The porterhouse is only offered for two, which is common at many steakhouses.

3) Portion Size & Plating: 9

The portions here are average to above average, but they also offer items for smaller appetites. The filets ranged from 10oz (still a good size for a filet) to 18oz, the "sirloins" from 14oz to 18oz (a little on the average side, but not bad), and the ribeyes from 22oz to 32oz (good). Plating was nice. Usually you just see bare bones stuff at steak houses, but here they went that extra step to make the presentation nice. The tuna tartar was served with some nice crispy fried wanton chips, and the oysters rockefeller were served on a bed of rock salt that looked like ice, and garnished with seaweed pods. Also of note were the tots/fries - they were served in mini deep fryer baskets. Very cool (see service section as well). I took off a point because the creamed spinach was a little small, though enough for two at $7, and the tots were not numerous enough, but probably enough for one.

4) Price: 7

The prices are average to slightly high for NYC steak. You certainly don't go home hungry, so that is a plus. The prices seemed to match nicely with the size and quality for the steak, so no exceptional marks here, but there were a few bad marks. First the oysters rockefeller:  There were only four on the plate, which may be normal (I don't know), but they were essentially a dollop of creamed spinach on top of an oyster and then broiled for a few minutes. Nothing spectacular. I wasn't impressed, and I think they essentially ruined four perfectly good oysters for the high price of $17 (that's $4.25 each, dicks). The dessert sundae was pretty expensive too at $11 for what you could get at Friendly's for $3. The martini was a bit high at $15, the beer average at $8. Our total was $204 with tax and tip included. As for the steak ($40), you get what you pay for, and that's all one can really ask for these days.

5) Bar: 7

The bar is small, but very elegant - nice wood cabinetry and wine racks up behind he serving dugout, and a nice selection of top shelf potent potables (Alex Trebek would be happy). This isn't the kind of place I can see myself hanging out for a drink or a bite at the bar though. It is essentially just a restaurant. The martini was made perfectly, however, so that is a plus. Also the bar has some nice basket weave black 7 white tile flooring - real classic looking. I like that.

6) Specials and Other Meats: 7

Old Homestead has a narrow range of alternative meats - rack of lamb, which is semi-industry standard, and a chicken item. It would have been interesting to see a pork porterhouse or a veal chop of some kind. The word "homestead" makes me think of game too, like perhaps venison. I think this would go over well in a place like NYC, where diners are more culinarily curious. Specials were not offered, but I imagine that is because it was the lunch hour. They DO offer some secret menu items that you need to know about in advance though, like the really awesome sounding burger specials. Look into it, asshole. You won't be let down.

7) Apps, Sides & Desserts: 7

Before we even came here, I knew what I was ordering because I looked at the menu online.  I'd never had oysters rockefeller until now.  I was always the kind of guy who ate them raw and raw only. Cooking an oyster is blasphemy! Sadly I have not turned a corner; I didn't like the oysters, but everything else was pretty good. The oysters had some bits of shell in them, and the topping was just a blob of creamed spinach - no special care was given to make them different. My wife had the tuna tartar, which was very nice, served with avocado mixed into it, but it was not as good as Primehouse's take on the dish. To go with the steak, of course, we had creamed spinach; it was just average: nothing to write about (though I just did). The steak came with a mound of fried onions, which were nice and crisp and flavorful. We also ordered the kobe slab bacon, which was sort-of out of place based on the flavor profile. It was really charred, smokey and piggy. It had some rubbery fat on it, but it was really delicious.  it just felt so "BBQ" that it almost seemed like it was from a different restaurant. It was tough to mix that flavor (which was awesome by the way) with the steak flavors.  Tots were crispy and nice - a fun alternative to fries. For dessert we had the drug store old fashioned sundae. That was pretty yummy, and I found myself continually digging into it even though I was stuffed.

8) Seafood Selection: 8

This section of the reviews are starting to become increasingly important to me, since my wife has been staying away from red meats since her gallbladder surgery. Old Homestead offers a nice selection of fish cuts for entrees, like salmon, tuna and sea bass, in addition to the shellfish appetizers and basic broiled lobster and crab cake crustacean fare. The sea bass was a big hunk of fish (probably 12-14oz). I was amazed that it was properly cooked through without any over- or undercooked portions. It was bold (fishy) and rich, but it had a nice crisp to it on the outside, served on a nice bed of green beans in a dark fish broth.

9) Service: 9

The waiters are all male, wearing ties and aprons. they were attentive, nice, and not in our faces. The menu says that bread will not be served unless you ask.  I wasn't going to, but my wife insisted for the integrity and consistency of the blog. So here goes: the bread was not warm, the butter was semi-solid/cool. They did have two types of bread though; a raisin nut roll, and a ciabatta type of roll. One thing I will add here: the fries and tots come in these really cool mini deep-fryer baskets lined with old fashioned newspaper print (wax paper with print on it). That was fun in terms of plating/presentation. I guess the steak sauce can go here too. And no, asshole, I didn't put it on my steak. It was delicious however. I would use that shit for BBQ ribs or chicken any day. It had hints of orange, tamarind, horseradish, molasses and fried garlic (okay we peeked at the ingredients too). Try it.

10) Ambiance: 8

Old Homestead is long and narrow, unlike other steakhouses that are very large spaces. The dining room is dark. The tables are all very nice dark jacobean colored wood, and they match the paneled wainscoting that goes all the way up the wall and meets with the elegant build-out ceiling that has a fancy painted pressed-tin pattern that is illuminated by built-in up-lighting.  Hanging below that are modern, Japanese looking square block lights covered in what looked like paper or tightly woven burlap. A stark contrast to the cheap, ugly rust-colored tile floor that adorns the dining room. Old Homestead - replace that shit with some nice wide-plank bamboo flooring. Come on! The bathroom was unisex for one - neat and clean, but with cheap-ass paper towels.

Cattlemen's (Long Island)

Cattlemen's overall score: 54

 

Alright this is a low-rung steakhouse, but I figured I would write it up because it has been a while since my last review.  During that time I have made business cards to drop at check paying time, so that waitresses, chefs and owners can take a look at the blog and read my review for themselves.  You may also be wondering why I am reviewing so many Long Island steakhouses and neglecting the NYC standards.  The answer is that I have found a half-off coupon website through a Long Island radio station, and, well, why not?  Blackwell's and Mac's are on the list as well.  This place was close to home, and doable on a weeknight after a shit-bag commute on the shit-bag LIRR.

 

1) Flavor: 5

Flavor is kinda run of the mill here.  I can make a better steak at home, but then again I am a pretty damned good cook.  Seasoning was good, and I ate the whole thing, but it just wasn't where it should be, especially if the establishment calls itself a steakhouse.  They do offer original, house seasoned and marinated preparations, which is good to do in places that don't have prime cuts.  I had the double cut (14oz - lame and small for being a "double cut") ribeye with house seasonings.

2) Choice of Cuts & Quality available: 6

Props to Cattlemen's here, especially for a cheap-o place.  They have all four basic steak cuts, along with a few sizes of each.  Negatives: the double cut ribeye was a sad, pathetic, less-than-an-inch-thick 14oz cut, and it was boneless.  Positives: they also do a skirt steak, T-bone (but why bother when the porterhouse is only $5 more?) and prime rib.  The cuts are all choice grade, which is fine, but they are on the skimpy side.  They DO have an 88oz ribeye steak challenge.  Ahhhh John Candy.  I will miss you.  They have other challenges too - like a 5lb burger, and 10 insane hot wings in ten minutes.  Interesting.  Where's Adam Richman?

 

3) Portion Size & Plating: 5

Portion sizes ranged from small to average.  As I mentioned above, the double cut ribeye was a sad, thin, boneless 14oz slice.  It may have been better utilized sliced up and in sandwich form, with some spicy horseradish sauce and melted swiss.  I'd hate to find out the size of a single cut steak at this joint.  Plating is on par with Fridays - nothing fancy.

 

4) Price: 7

We came here to use a $35 gift certificate that we purchased online for $15.  So right off the bat, my price rating is biased and skewed.  However, two meals totalled $60 - including drinks and apps (drinks were cheap!).  That's right - our bill was $25, for all you math whizzes.  We spent a total of $40 when you take the $15 we spent on the gift certificate into consideration.  They even knocked off the appetizer for us since we waited a while and they messed up a side order.  Down side: "shit you pay, shit you get," as my dad always says.  The price is low because the quality is low.  You do get full, however, because you get a bunch of crap for your money.

 

5) Bar: 5

I can't picture myself hanging out at the bar other than when waiting for a seat (which we did).  It is a basic square bar with a jukebox and regular, standard beers on tap and bottles behind the bar.  They do offer a house microbrew called Cattlemen's something-or-other, but the bartender said it is a light beer.  Overall this is the kind of place to drink a beer - not martinis or manhattans.  Prices are good though.

6) Specials and Other Meats: 6

Cattlemen's suffers from a slight lack of identity.  They offer ribs, pulled pork, lamb chops, chicken, etc.  They are a western-themed eatery, so maybe that is how it is done out west, but when I see "steakhouse" in the name I expect more chops and cuts rather than BBQ, among other things.  Don't get me wrong - I love BBQ - but the softest meat I want at a steakhouse is MAYBE a braised short rib or some prime rib (for chicks).  They had some specials but no other steaks or chops than what is on the regular menu.

 

7) Apps, Sides & Desserts: 5

To start we had the rattlesnake bites: minced shrimp and bacon with some bell peppers and cheese fried into shrimp-shaped discs.  They were kinda heavy, but the chipotle mayo dip was nice.  My wife had a house salad with "cusabi" dressing (cucumber + wasabi), which I thought was a really awesome dressing, despite being added to a bagged-lettuce quality salad (not a problem for a guy like me, but ladies like a fancy salad sometimes).  For sides we ordered creamed spinach (creamy but may have been frozen), smoke pit home fries (sweet and heavy, with onions and bell peppers), fried onion strings (good), and sauteed mushrooms.  The 'shrooms came late because they gave us a mashed potato dish with gravy by mistake, but both were just okay - par at best.  We skipped dessert since we weren't that hungry and the food wasn't wow-ing us.  The good: you get two sides with your meal, and the portions are sized just right.

 

8) Seafood Selection: 4

They have a good amount of seafood selections - broiled salmon, tortilla crusted tilapia, several "gulf shrimp" preparations, and lobster tails - but we didn't really like what we had.  My wife had the combo with shrimp scampi, tortilla crusted tilapia and a lobster tail.  The lobster tail was the only thing worth eating; it was cooked properly, and was sweet and juicy.  The tilapia was soggy - not crispy as you would expect with a tortilla crusting.  The shrimp scampi was rubbery, but at least not overcooked: a tell-tale sign of frozen items.  Seafood was sub par all around despite the selections looking good on the menu.

9) Service: 5

The service was weird.  First, we were told there was a 15 minute wait.  I found that odd for a Thursday on Long Island.  The dining room was maybe half-full at best, and they seemed to have enough waitresses.  My only guess was an under-staffed kitchen.  So be it.  We had a drink at the bar and hung out.  Other noteworthy issues: they brought us mashed potato instead of the sauteed mushrooms we ordered.  No problem though, because they brought us the correct item when we told them.  Later, however, it took a long time to get the check after asking for it.  Maybe the gift certificate or the transfer of our drinks from bar tab to table check caused problems?  Not sure.  Staff seemed nice though.

10) Ambiance: 6

The western theme didn't really seem corny until after we sat down and got our food.  It doesn't FEEL western in there.  There are some wanted posters on the wall and some longhorns over the fireplace but that doesn't transport the customer to the west.  Especially when you are situated along Montauk Highway and the side windows open up to a nice outdoor area along a wide canal that leads to the Great South Bay.  I think they should refocus their theme to something more like an ocean grill, and re-tool the menu.  Make it smaller, offer better quality items, etc.  The feeling you get when you look over the canal is nice, so they should work that into their theme and take advantage.  Salt water + wild west does not compute.  Weird thing: at 8:30 the jukebox kicked on and the lights abruptly shut down in the dining room, but then went back on at 8:32. Then the lights went back off at 8:35.  Whatever.

Tellers (Long Island)

Tellers overall score: 86

 

First I'd like to thank Jeff and Elizabeth for the gift card, which totally overcompensated me for the time I spent taking and editing photos of their son Jack.  Tellers, formerly a bank, is a unique steakhouse in Islip, Long Island, well known for its quality and ambiance.  This marks my second trip to the restaurant.  I ate like a ravenous beast this time 'round, and I may fall into a deep food coma at any moment.  Must type fast.  See below.

 

1) Flavor: 7

Tellers is good.  I feel like it can be great, however.  Although cooked properly in terms of doneness, I think the meat was slightly under seasoned, and the steak was not allowed to rest long enough before serving; the large pool of juices in the plate ruined some of the crisp textural components you like with a steak.  For the size steak I had, I can see, however, that it would be difficult to ensure even flavoring throughout the thickness of the meat.  The first time I went, I got the delmonico, which is the smaller, boneless ribeye that was included in the restaurant week prix fix (see price section below).  The second time I went, I got the dry-aged 39oz bone-in ribeye; a much thicker cut (all bow to my manliness).  It had some grizzle, but the intra-muscular fat was good quality.  I'd definitely eat here again, but this is certainly not the best steak in terms of flavor.  I've seen average places with average quality cuts of beef do more with less.

2) Choice of Cuts & Quality available: 8

Tellers offers several different cuts and several versions of each cut.  There are two sized filets, as well as a Wellington preparation and a bone-in filet.  They offer a boneless delmonico ribeye, as well as 21 day dry-aged NY strips (boneless), ribeyes (bone-in) and porterhouses for one or two.  Additionally, they have skirt steak and other meats like lamb.  On special the second time I went was a Wagyu porterhouse for two.  This covers the essential four cuts, and then offers some variation and choice.  Nicely done, Tellers, although I got a good look at the porterhouse steak for one, and, to be honest, it looked more like a T-bone since the filet side was quite skimpy.  CAREFUL!  A carnivore connoisseur like me may have sent that shit back.

 

3) Portion Size & Plating: 9

Portion sizes ranged from average to large here.  The filets are 8oz (average for smaller cuts), 14oz (larger than average for regular cuts), and 14oz for the bone-in (average, given the weight of the bone included).  The delmonico is about 20oz, the strip is about 16oz, and the ribeye... wait for it... is fucking 39oz.  Yeah that's right...  And I ate all of that mother fucker.  Suck it, you peons.

 

4) Price: 8

The first time I went to Tellers they were offering a $50 3-course prix fix dinner that included wine pairings with each course; AMAZING DEAL.  That was during Long Islands's restaurant week, but Tellers regularly offers a  $45 3-course prix fix every Sunday and for early dining during the week (no wine included).  These are seriously great deals, since it includes the boneless delmonico (if you choose the steak item).  On my second trip, I had a $200 gift card in my pocket thanks to Jeff and Elizabeth.  Weighing the option to use it twice on two prix fix dinners versus going all out on the regular menu, I ultimately decided to go all out to get the full experience that Tellers has to offer (since last time I did a prix fix).  Our bill came to $185 (scallop app, dozen oysters, creamed spinach, 39oz ribeye, seared tuna, trio of pies, martini, and espresso), so the gift card covered everything, and then we added an additional $15 or so on the table above the $200, for a grand total of $215.  As you can see, regular menu prices are a bit steep as compared to the prix fix deals for the increase in quality and portion size (I'd say flavor is about the same between prix fix items and regular menu items).  If/when I go back, I will likely stick to the prix fix, since I know now that it offers the most bang for the buck.  Take advantage of this expert knowledge, assholes.  HEED!

 

5) Bar: 9

Tellers has a very nice bar and lounge off of the main dining room which you can access from the rear parking lot to bypass the main entryway.  The full menu is available here, which is great if you ever try to go and the dining room is all booked up.  Teller's has an extensive wine list, and they make a good martini to boot (though mine was a little warm when it was first served to me).  It is a cool place to hang out even if you aren't eating.  The bar itself is nice, and there is a great selection of booze, especially after dinner-type swanky drinks (several types of armagnac, grappa, single malt scotches, madiera, ports, and brandy).

6) Specials and Other Meats: 7

Slim on alternative meats, Tellers offers just the lamb and roasted chicken.  No shame in that; the red meat is the reason why you go here. As mentioned earlier, they offered a Wagyu porterhouse for two, which gets good marks in my book as far as specials are concerned.  The Wagyu was the only item off menu offered as a special, however.

 

7) Apps, Sides & Desserts: 9

The duck fat french fries are delicious, and they came FREE as we awaited our appetizers.  They're served with a really nice homemade ketchup and mustard/mayo dipping sauce on the side.  Perfectly seasoned and crispy.  I ordered a bakers dozen oysters.  For a moment I was torn between those and little necks, but I went with the oysters.  In hindsight I should have gotten a half-dozen of each to try them all out, but I was extremely pleased with the oysters.  Cold, clean, fresh, creamy, smooth, and well-shucked.  My wife ordered a seared scallops & mushrooms appetizer; perfectly cooked and buttery sweet.  Tellers also offers a "trainwreck" potato dish, which is essentially baked potatos scooped out into a cassarole dish and cooked with several types of fine cheeses, bacon and peppers.  That will fill you right up.  Speaking of filling, the creamed spinach is huge; it can easily feed four people.  It is not super creamy (I don't like it overly creamy), and it is your basic quality creamed spinach; it gets the job done.  For dessert, we had a trio of pies in a jar, which was fun and interesting, though extremely HOT.  They were very sweet as well, and could have benefitted from a scoop of vanilla ice cream alongside to cut both the heat and the sweet.  Luckily I didn't burn my mouth this time like I did at Dylan Prime though.  On our first visit here, we ordered the calamari, which were nicely breaded and crispy, but lacked seasoning/salt.  The fries were also free then as well, and before dessert they brought us a small plate of home made cookies (they didn't do that on our second visit).

 

8) Seafood Selection: 9

There is a great selection of seafood at Tellers.  Crispy skin salmon, swordfish steak, seared tuna, lobster, stuffed flounder with crab, fresh clams and oysters, sashimi, scallops, seafood towers, and shrimp tossed with assorted seafood in pasta.  If you can't take the meat, no need to start bitchin' - order up some seafood.  They do it well here.  We really enjoyed the oysters and scallop appetizers, and my wife was happy with her seared tuna.  FYI - my wife is not an asshole pussy (asspussy) because she ordered fish at a steakhouse.  She recently had her Charles-De-Gallbladder removed and red meats are just not sitting well with her at the moment.

9) Service: 10

The service here is impeccable. First, you are greeted with a lovely potato foccacia bread.  It is FANTASTIC; buttery, sweet and savory, almost like a corn bread.  Our attentive waiter explained and described everything to us; from how things were prepared to what they were cooked with.  Everything, including the foccacia, fries, steaks, apetizers - these guys really take pride in what they do, they learn the menu, and they understand the culinary arts (especially meat).  The waiters all wear a formal shirt and tie, but there are women as well as men in the waitstaff.  Big points on service for Tellers.  We never waited on water, the check came promptly, and everything was done at a good, comfortable pace.  Tellers will also go out of their way to bring something speial to the table if they know it is your birthday or anniversary.

10) Ambiance: 10

Tellers used to be an old bank, hence the name.  The main dining room sports a triple high ceiling with beautiful architecture and long, tall, elegant windows that seem to have been preserved with as much historical accuracy as possible.  Seating is also available in the bar/lounge area.  The old bank vault, which still has the gate and huge vault door attached, now houses a wine cellar.  Bins of wine also adorn the main lobby.  Very classy.  It is a beautiful restaurant.  There is no music in the main dining room, but you can hear it slightly, coming from the bar area.  Tables are ALMOST too close, but not uncomfortable.  Tellers is not a huge restaurant so they have to do what they can.  The corner booths are roomy and spacious, however.  Bathrooms are large and clean, and have nice thick disposable paper towels. Once in a while during the meal you might feel a slight breeze gently carry through the dining room since it has a high ceiling and there are large doors near the entryway that let the wind in when both sets of doors are opened at the same time.  Two large, fake trees sit in decorative cauldrons in the dining room, giving the room an outdoors feel, especially when you look out the windows to see the uplighting on the real trees outside on the well manicured grounds.  Tellers is a very pleasing and unique place to eat.

 

Just as a post-script, I thought I was eating a lot until I saw the couple at a neighboring table order the trainwreck potato dish, creamed spinach, and the lobster mac & cheese - all this along with their free fries, foccacia bread, porterhouse for one and seared tuna (HOLY FUCKING STARCH BATMAN).  I wonder if they finished it all.  That is pretty badass if they did.

Peter Luger (Brooklyn)

Peter Luger overall score: 77

What NYC steakhouse review site would be complete without the obligatory Peter Luger entry?  Luger is synonymous with steak in NYC.  Within a minute of discussing steak in NYC, someone party to the conversation is guaranteed to bring the place up.  If I am around, you will also get a story about Bill Murray (see the bar section below).

1) Flavor: 7

I've gone to Luger's twice for steak, and I have to buck the trend here and say that I wasn't super impressed with the flavor.  It was yummy, don't get me wrong, but I've had better.  Perhaps Peter Luger was hyped up so much by everyone as the greatest steakhouse in NY that i was expecting too much?  I don't think so, because my second trip was similar.  Both times I ate a variant of the porterhouse cut, and both times it was good but not awesome.

2) Choice of Cuts & Quality available: 7

You may be shocked to see that Peter Luger really only offers two cuts of beef for traditional steak eating: the ribeye and the porterhouse.  While both are prime grade and aged, there is no filet, and there is no strip; you simply have to get the full porterhouse if you want either of those cuts.  The porterhouse is cut into various sizes and offered as "steak for two," "steak for three," and so forth.  It is typically served pre-sliced.  Luger's does offer regular daily lunch specials that showcase other types of beef products like prime rib, chopped steak, corned beef and pot roast, however these are not available at dinner and only sometimes at lunch.  They also offer lamb chops and a small sirloin steak.

3) Portion Size & Plating: 8

Luger's doesn't advertize the sizes of each cut, but they are definitely big enough to fill you up.  Plating is standard; nothing fancy.  This is a man's place, so we are good in terms of this section. 

4) Price: 8

Prices are average.  I forget what the bill came to, but I think I recall a steak for two being somewheer around the $70 to $80 mark.  Not bad for the quality that you get, so worth the money.

5) Bar: 10

I score top points for the Peter Luger bar because, well, my friends and I met the one and only Bill Murray there one evening, hung out with him, and had drinks with him.  We were on our way to an obscure party in Williamsburg when we decided to pop in Luger's for a drink or two beforehand.  The bar here is great - a long stretch of ancient but nice wood, stocked with great booze.  It is a classy bar worked by a classy old barman who knows every drink in the book, especially the old timey ones. So we order our drinks and a moment later we see none other than Bill fucking Murray beside us at the bar, just sitting there with his son and a friend.  Naturally we bought them beers, after which Bill thanked us, talked with us, and took some photos with us.  To this day I kick myself for not asking him to come with us to the party.  Imagine if he said yes and we showed up to a party with Bill Murray?  Bill FUCKING Murray?  Legendary.

6) Specials and Other Meats: 6

Luger's is pretty basic.  There's not much by way of specials, so pick something and stick with it.  As I said earlier, they do offer a lamb chop, but don't go looking for anything else.

7) Apps, Sides & Desserts: 7

The creamed spinach here is fantastic.  Rich and smooth; it goes perfectly with the steak.  The other items I tried were the french fries, which were crispy and tasty, and the sliced tomato and onion, which was just okay.

8) Seafood Selection: 4

Basically, Peter Luger offers a salmon entree and a fresh fish item which depends on the season.  This is not the kind of place to order food items other than red meat.  Stick with what's good and quit being a pussy.

9) Service: 10

Luger's exemplifies the traditional steakhouse service.  They employ an all-male wait staff, dressed usually in formal back and white with bowties, often older gentlemen who have been working there for many years.  They are very attentive, they know their product inside and out, and they are all about the customer.  The food comes quickly because it is prepared quickly.  Screaming hot ovens blast the meat with flames at upwards of 700 degrees, so the meal is ready fast.

10) Ambiance: 10

A traditional steakhouse, Peter Luger sets what can almost be considered the industry standard of steak eating environs.  It features old wood floors that creak under foot throughout, dark wainscoating on the lower parts of the walls, and wood tables that have survived the test of time.  If you've never gone to a steakhouse before, go here first so you get the full effect of what it means to eat at a steakhouse.

Arthur's Tavern (Hoboken, NJ)

Arthur's Tavern overall score: 69

YES - I even review the "lesser" steak joints.  There is a running joke that I am going to make a drunken, late night pit-stop at Tad's before getting on the LIRR, and then write up a stellar review of it the next morning.  That will surely throw off the non-locals!  Tourists beware.  Keep your eyes out for it - I WILL do it one day.  Anyway - I hesitate to call Arthur's a steak joint, and I don't mean disrespect when I use the word "lesser;"  Arthur's tavern is just that - a tavern.  But it has become well known to many NYC and NJ folks for its massive cuts of beef and man-sized 32oz beers.  That said, it certainly deserves our attention.

1) Flavor: 6

I've been to Arthur's about 4 times.  For about 6 months I lived in hoboken, so it became a nice comfortable place for huge beers and huge steaks at small prices.  The flavor is okay.  The steaks are fatty/grizzled and only at choice quality without any enhancements, but they still taste pretty good.  Hey - it gets the job done, right?

2) Choice of Cuts & Quality available: 4

More of a pub in selection and atmosphere, Arthur's really only has ribeyes and a sirloin.  "Our Steak" is 24 oz, for the light appetite (lol)... and the double is 49oz (be a man and get it).  Those are some huge hunks of beef!

3) Portion Size & Plating: 10

Okay: MASSIVE.  There - I said it again.  If portion size is your thing, you will clearly not be disappointed.  Again the ribeye is 24oz, the double is 49oz. Stomachs will fill. 'Nuff said.

4) Price: 10

At about a dollar an ounce, or even less if you go for the double, Arthur's is a steal.  You would be hard pressed to find steak in the supermarket for that price these days.  Eyes on the prize people: Arthur's give's you a lot of meat for your money.

5) Bar: 8

Arthur's is a great bar; they are championed for their huge 32oz beers.  When I lived in the area they were something ridiculously cheap like $4 (probably more now).  Grab a 32oz Guinness and a 49oz Double Steak with a wedge of iceburg, and you are guaranteed to grow hair on your chest.  Fuck it - you will grow hair on your damn fingernails; THAT is how manly you become.

6) Specials and Other Meats: 5

It is a tavern, people.  What you see is what you get.  They do have ribs, pastrami and corned beef though; I have never tried.

7) Apps, Sides & Desserts: 6

To be honest, all I have ever gotten here were the steaks because they are so huge, with the exception of some sauteed onions and mushrooms, and also the iceburg wedge.

8) Seafood Selection: 4

I had to check the menu online, because I honestly didn't think they had anything other than maybe some fried shrimp.  As it turns out, Arthur's has scrod, and shrimp scampi.  Nothing fancy.  But who the fuck is coming here to order shrimp scampi for dinner anyway?  I'll tell you who: pussies, losers, and quiff-bags.  Get a steak, assholes. Some oysters or clams would be a good additon to the menu as appetizers, however.

9) Service: 8

The good people working at Arthur's are friendly and fun.  No complaints here, especially for the kind of place it is.  The tables have these awesome metal bowls of pickled items: half sour pickles, cherry peppers, and slaw.  I could eat this stuff all day, and the generous people over at Arthur's are more than happy to keep them coming, bowl after glorious bowl.

10) Ambiance: 8

I love Arthur's because there is no bullshit.  The tables are covered with plastic red and white checkered picnic-style tablecloths.  Everything is wood and has character.  The music is fun, loud but not annoying, and the crowd can't help but have a good time.  My kind of place.

21 Main (Long Island)

21 Main overall score: 85

21 Main is located on Long Island in the Sayville/West Sayville area on Montauk highway.  In addition to being a steakhouse restaurant, they also sell various cuts of 28-day dry-aged steaks to take home and cook, retail, at reasonable prices.

1) Flavor: 8

I've been to 21 Main twice.  The first time I ordered the 32oz ribeye, and the second time I ordered a strip, which was a special menu item.  I enjoyed the meals, but, while both steaks were very good, they weren't the best prepared meats that I ever had.

2) Choice of Cuts & Quality available: 9

21 Main offers three of the four main four cuts in a few forms; some are 28-day dry aged prime, and some are 28-day dry aged certified black angus.  These are top quality, and there are various portion sizes to fit each appetite.  The back angus sirloin is similar to a strip steak, and they also offer a boneless ribeye (delmonico).  Occasionally they have additional cuts on special, and they also offer a skirt steak and other chops like pork.

3) Portion Size & Plating: 9

Portion sizes at 21 Main are average to above average.  The bone-in ribeye is a whopping 32oz; an extremely generous hunk of fantastic meat that clings to the end of a nearly full 12+ inch rib bone.  When someone orders this, everyone in the restaurant turns their head and stares, appreciating the fact that they are graced with the presence of such manliness.  Even the boneless ribeye is still at the 20oz mark!  The other cuts are average/normal sizes, and plating is elegant but not obnoxious.

4) Price: 9

Out on Long Island, you tend to see some more reasonable pricing.  At $45 for a prime, 28-day aged 32oz ribeye, you are getting a massive amount of majorly good meat for your moolah.  Everything else on the menu is anywhere from $3 to $8 cheaper than comparable NYC steak joints.

5) Bar: 8

21 Main has a great and socially active bar that attracts locals even when they are not gorging on steer corpse.  The room with the bar has a piano for live music as well.  The bartenders make a good martini, and they offer several specialty drinks on their cocktail menu.

6) Specials and Other Meats: 8

I ordered a special steak cut off the daily specials menu on my second trip to 21 Main.  They also offer chicken, a pork porterhouse, and lamb on the regular menu for losers who are afraid to man-the-fuck-up and order a real meal.

7) Apps, Sides & Desserts: 8

It has been a while since I was at 21 Main, but I do recall the oysters being fresh, cold, and delicious.  They even added a wasabi foam to them despite the foam being listed as part of the sashimi dish.  The creamed spinach with crispy pancetta was delicious.  The smoke and saltiness of the pancetta is cut nicely by the cream and makes for a nice balance.  The calamari was nicely cooked in a very light, crispy, and firm batter.  By far, though, my favorite side was the blue cheese potato croquette.  If I wasn't there for steak, I would have had a few of those bad boys.  For dessert I had the creme brulee the first time, which was good, and a Baily's shake the second time, which I sucked down faster than the oysters at the beginning of the meal; it was really incredible.  My wife had the 21 Main Split, which was really yummy, but looked like a cock.  Yes - a dick.

8) Seafood Selection: 9

21 Main offers lobster, salmon, tuna steak, and a variety of items from the raw bar menu as far as "steak from the sea" is concerned.  If I recall correctly, there was also a fish item among the daily specials.  Every manner of shellfish I can think of is represented, with perhaps the exception of the mussel (who cares), in some way shape or form, whether it is an appetizer or an entree.  The only seafood item I tried were the oysters, however, and they were delicious.

9) Service: 9

The wait staff knows their meat well.  They will press you for your preferences if you ask them what they recommend, which tells me they are looking out for the diner and not the amount of the bill.  Without hesitation they allowed me to swap a mignonette sauce for a wasabi foam on my oysters appetizer, and they are very attentive to things like drinks.  Table breads were warm and unique, and the butter was soft.

10) Ambiance: 8

21 Main is a classy joint.  It is not a traditionally decorated steakhouse; it looks more like a fine dining type of restaurant.  It essentially is a large, old home on a hill, with carpeting throughout, sheer white drapery, valet parking, and a view from the window that overlooks a small peaceful pond just north of Montauk Highway.  There is additional seating upstairs.  The crowd is mostly adults, although they do offer a children's menu.

Dylan Prime

Dylan Prime overall score: 79

First, I'd like to thank Tom for picking up the bill.  That was really generous; thank you for a great meal with great company.

1) Flavor: 10

Friday was my first time eating at Dylan Prime in TriBeCa.  In all my years of living in the neighborhood, I am surprised I never tried it before I moved out.  My ribeye was DELICIOUS.  I had a few bites of the filet as well, and it too was equally mouth-watering.  Two guests I was with tried the strip; they said it was delicious but I did not have a bite.  Dylan Prime manages to get a really crispy coating of seasoning across the entire steak that really adds texture and flavor to the meal; we all experienced this and commented positively on it.  The ribeye had at a few distinct flavors as I worked from one end to the other.  One area was gamey; perhaps it aged differently in that section, causing it to have a varying flavor.  Usually I don't like gamey flavored red meats, but this was interesting; I welcomed it.  The majority was just a really delicious buttery-fat ribeye flavor, perfect in almost every sense (missing the mark a bit on portion size, and no bone-in options).  I ate every ounce of it - even the fatty parts were good; it was the kind that melts in your mouth and isn't chewy.  Great job on the steaks, Dylan Prime, and that is what really matters in the end.

2) Choice of Cuts & Quality available: 9

The main 4 cuts (strip, filet, porterhouse, and ribeye) are all represented on the basic menu, however they did not offer various ages, and everything was boneless (except the porterhouse I imagine).  They offered two sizes for the filet and strip, but we all agreed that the cuts were a little on the small side.  The porterhouse for two was only 35oz; maybe they are trying to make America thin by limiting portion size or some other garbage.  Other meats are represented, like lamb, as well as skirt steak, hangar, short ribs, and a very enticing "bacon chop."  Top marks for variety and quality.  I only took a point off for lack of aging choices and larger cuts.

3) Portion Size & Plating: 7

The portions are slightly smaller than usual.  The ribeye was 14oz (boneless).  It is possible that the steak started out larger and lost size in the aging process, but 14oz is a bit small for a ribeye.  I maintain that the ribeye portion should be around the 20oz mark.  The other cuts were slightly on the small side as well, but the filet was average sized.  What Dylan Prime lacks in portion size, however, they make up for in taste.  Appetizer portions were small as well (see below), but dessert was normal or above average in size.

4) Price: 8

I can't take too much off for price, since, thanks to Tom, I only spent money on drinks at the bar while waiting for some of our party to arrive.  But, as an objective observer, the price seemed a bit high for the portion size, but close to spot on in terms of quality.

5) Bar: 8

Dylan Prime is essentially cut in half; the right side is the main dining room, and the left side is a large bar that is not overtly or obviously integrated with the restaurant.  The two areas feel like two entirely different places.  I am on the fence about whether that is good or bad right now, so I won't let it alter my scoring.  A hallway at the entrance connects the two areas, and behind the hallway is the kitchen, which can be observed from the end of the bar.  Drinks were pricey ($80 for 4 gin martinis and 2 beers, including tip).  The martinis could have been filled higher in the glass, but they were made properly to our liking (Beefeater, up, very dry, with olives).  Behind the bar was an interesting shaped set of shelves that looked like the hull of an old wooden ship displaying the high end liquors, of which they had a good selection.  Tables adorned areas near the large, TriBeCa streetside windows, and the full restaurant menu (steaks and all) seems to be made available to bar patrons regardless of where they sit.  There is also a small bar in the dining room, but we did not sit there or look it over very closely.  It is likely meant to service the dining room only, allowing the main bar to act seperately as a traditional street bar/pub rather than a restaurant bar.

6) Specials and Other Meats: 10

As mentioned above, Dylan Prime offered a good selection of other items; both in terms of red meat and other dead animals gloriously killed in sacrificial service to the divine sustenence of men.  The Colorado Rack of Lamb was enticing, as were the Bacon Chop and hangar steak options.  Our waitress, although not very knowledgeable about meats other than ribeyes being more fatty than filets, did offer us some other specials that were not on the menu.  We roundly rejected them in favor of the main 4 meatstays of classic carnivore cuisine.

7) Apps, Sides & Desserts: 6

We ordered the pork belly tater tots, the miniature beef wellingtons, mushrooms and the creamed spinach to go with our meal.  The tater tots were more pork belly than tater tot, which was good, but I would have liked a little more of that tater tot texture that I expected upon reading the description.  They were good, don't get me wrong; served with a nice (what I think was) corriander flavored BBQ sauce (which, on some bites, had a bitter taste since the corriander/cilantro [if that was the flavor] was likely cooked in the sauce rather than added at the end as a garnish or aromatic).  The creamed spinach was small and not very creamy or flavorful, especially when you ate it alongside the steak, which packed so much incredible flavor.  This is one pace where you can skip the creamed spinach and go with something less traditional.  Speaking of traditional: I was in the mood for oysters.  To my disappointment, the only ones I could find were stuffed inside a filet and called a "Carpetbagger Steak."  In fact I didn't see any shellfish for appetizers aside from shrimp and a crabcake.  The mushrooms were good but nothing memorable.  The mini beef wellingtons may have been good, but I wouldn't know.  The moment I popped one into my mouth, the skin on the roof of my mouth was scorched off and left bare and bloodied.  They were served to us WAY TOO HOT; points off for that.  At a restaurant of this caliber, nothing should damage the eater except for maybe a hot plate holding the pre-sliced porterhouse (which is reasonable since it comes from under the broiler many times).  I was lucky to taste my steak afterwards.  For dessert we all shared a creme brulee, which was very thick and creamy, cool and refreshing, and large in comparison to the portions of other items on the menu.

8) Seafood Selection: 7

Salmon, tuna and a surf & turf meal (no lobster by itself) seemed to be the main seafood selections here at Dylan Prime.  As mentioned in the appetizer section, they were slim on the shellfish appetizers.  If I recall, there was also a seafood item read to us in the specials.

9) Service: 7

Our waitress didn't seem to know her meat the way you sometimes experience in other steak joints.  She was good and attentive though, of course, but seemed to recommend the strip simply because it was the most expensive.  As mentioned earlier, the mini beef wellingtons were extremely hot and burned my mouth to shit.  I am still tonguing the smooth, bare skin on the roof of my mouth.  I score that as a service issue as well, since the cook on the line should not have let it leave the kitchen at that temperature.  On the table, we received an interesting dinner roll that tasted and looked like a soft pretzel, however it, along with the butter, was cold.  Table breads should always be warm, and the butter should always be spreadable.

10) Ambiance: 7

The lighting is dim, more like that of a romantic restaurant than a traditonal steakhouse.  The dark wood floor was beat up like the character of a pub floor, but everything upward was nicely decorated and elegant.  The music was a mix of hits from yesterday and today.  We were there on a Friday evening, so the dining room was full, loud and packed with a crowd that ranged from families to groups of friends and after work folks.  The bathroom smelled clean and was adequately ventilated; it even had those nice, thick paper towels that you can probably use to clean up an oil spill.  The neighborhood is really amazing, though the specific location is quite isolated.